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Today is my Sabbath. Laina takes hers on Saturday.

Today is Father's Day. I fixed those same banana pancakes I wrote about a few days ago. We went to church. Then I fixed a really nice lunch.

It was special to have Davis here and we facetimed with Laina.

The kids wrote prophetic letters to their dad and he was so incredibly touched and quite frankly overwhelmed.

He hugged me in the kitchen and said those letters meant more to him than all the accolades he got at the retirement functions that happened this week.

Neither of us were prepared for how tender this time of transition would be. It's overwhelming. And I have a tendency to want to organize and get it all right.

I realized I've been holding my breath a lot. I mean a lot. Stress does that. Shadows and memories of stress can do that.

So many memories.

I had a lovely father. The best. Our last years were not pleasant. We got stuck in the fact that fatherhood, for him, meant the advice and training stage needed at the 12-15 year old stage. I grew up and the distance grew as well. But I sat watching life get redeemed with Rich and our kids. My dad was amazing! But our kids are getting the friendship stage that is healthy and good.

I've felt pressured to be profound in these blog entries. I've felt pressured to write every single day. I've felt pressured to lose weight to inspire and prove something... to someone. I have no idea who that is since I really don't even have a following.

I've felt pressured to have a following and to be an influencer.

I've felt pressured to find a perfect dress to wear to an upcoming wedding when my body is far far less than a perfect clothes hanger.

I've felt pressured to live in the past and stay stuck where I was with my dad when he died rather than go forward and forgive us both so I can dwell in all the amazing and good memories I have with him.

I've just this morning been reading about never being ashamed of the work of the Holy Spirit or assigning the glory to another source in order to be more acceptable to other people. I've felt pressured to do that too.

And absolutely none of this pressure is anything I'm told to carry in scripture. In fact, I'm told to let go of it. To LIVE.

So today, in all this swirl of emotions, I'm letting go.

Jesus before me. None other.

Sigh. My soul is set free.



©2023 Lydia D Crouch

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