the girl on the left

I found this pic of me.

It was taken when I wasn't looking. I was in my 20's living in Hawaii, just starting to sell art.

I felt fat then.

I've felt fat all my life.

There are reasons for that, but let's just say that from birth, I was trained to think that way.

My son saw this pic and said, "Whoa. You're like a girl version of me." He's slim too.

But thankfully, he does not feel fat. He has not been taught to think that way.

This pic was taken yesterday. 40 years later and I still struggle with feeling fat. In terms of where I am today, I have probably gained a pound per year.

And this morning I'm blogging my mindset out of this.

I confess, I had a good cry after seeing this pic. But I'm about to break this mental state.

How do I know? Because, I'm being honest. You can never change if you're not honest about where you are. And this is not about my weight, really. A close friend of mine said, "I really don't think you have a food disorder. You have an image disorder." She was right.

The girl on the left was lonely and constantly relying on other's opinions to validate her worth. She was taught to think that way. She believed that to be accepted, she had to perform a certain way... the way she perceived "they" wanted her to be.

The girl on the right has become generous. She is learning compassion. She is discovering that people like her, no matter what she looks like, when the real girl shows up rather than the performer.

The girl on the left assumed that although God loved her, somehow He would never be pleased with her.

The girl on the right now knows that He's pleased with her no matter how she performs...or how she eats.

The girl on the right, though, is struggling this morning.

But struggling isn't sin.

Struggling has to happen for a chick to hatch. Struggling is necessary for the butterfly to break out of the chrysalis confinement. In fact, she knows that it's a proven fact: If you try to help that butterfly out of its confinement rather than letting her struggle, you'll kill her. She'll emerge with deformed wings, unable to fly.

Being overprotected can cause deformities.

Being loved and sheltered is healthy. Being overprotected causes self doubt, stunted growth, fear and emotional paralysis.

Both look like love - at first.

So this morning, I'm marveling. Just being honest has cracked through my chrysalis veneer. I can feel that first touch of fresh air on my wings. And that tiny taste of oxygen gives me hope that my whole life as a caterpillar was for a reason.

I'm going to fly.

love,

©2021 Lydia D Crouch