"please forgive me"

Every relationship under the sun will hit a snag at some point. Some of us react differently than others. When threatened, some of us will retreat and wait till the coast is clear and there's no threat of being struck by lightning. Others of us ARE the lightening and only feel safe when we have fried the other person with laser sharp accuracy so that we can feel safe. Still others of us are more duck and weave then sniper fire. Whatever it takes to keep the other confused until we can find a safe vantage point from which to aim our defense.

None of them work in the the long haul because they each perceive the friend as an enemy.

In every argument, whether accidentally started by saying something that touched a nerve or whether we simply enjoy picking a fight to feel like progress is being made, or any other number of infinite causes, there is really only one way out toward health.

Repentance.

But repentance is not just saying words.

Somewhere along the line, Rich and I took a class maybe, or perhaps I learned this in counseling, but there are some apologies that might do more harm than good.

One is the classic, "I'm sorry we fought, but it was your fault/you started it/you just won't quit/you totally misunderstood what I was saying/ or any other "it's really not my fault" statement. While that statement might actually be correct factually, this is not a real apology. It's really just manipulating things so that the friend puts their guard down just low enough for us to get a better shot at them.

The other classic is, "I'm sorry if I did something to offend you/you misunderstood my words, etc.

Again, the "IF" is putting the fault of the disagreement completely back on them, even though it kind of sounds apologetic in tone.

But here's the deal. In any argument, both parties play a role. Sure, one of us started it somehow - whether intentionally or accidentally. But to be an argument, both parties continued it in a way that did not assume the best of the other person.

I'm saying "argument" rather than "disagreement" because you can disagree and sort through misspoken words without arguing and offending.

You can say, "You just said ________. When you said that, I heard ________. Is that what you meant to say?"

Or even, "You could be right. I've never thought of it that way. Could I ask you a couple of questions about that? I think_________, but I might not be seeing something." These words have to be sincere, wanting to protect the relationship. They can not be spoken manipulatively in order to load the gun with ammunition for your rebuttal.

But here's the deal. In an argument, it's always to my benefit to ask the Lord, "Father, that was awful. I'm hurting and still kind of mad. What was my part in that? What would you have me repent for?" He's always very specific about a belief or action that is not in line with His love. At which point, it's such a gift to ask His forgiveness for mistreating His child (my friend). Then, I get to ask their forgiveness for the specific action/words that I was responsible for. Finally, pray FOR your friend. I find my heart getting healed when I ask God to give them His best. It's ironic, but wonderful.

Then, when my heart is clean, my apology needs to be spoken. It looks more like, "I'm sorry that I spoke harshly to you, said these words, did this specific action without regard for how it might hurt you, etc.

I have to be specific. I'm sorry I said your idea was stupid. I'm sorry I took that over without asking you. I'm sorry I spoke with such a harsh tone of voice.

Maybe I'm only responsible for 1% of the argument. I'm still needing to be 100% responsible for my 1%.

The next part can be very painful. They may take your apology as an opportunity to tell you not only what you did wrong in that particular argument, but for all the years you've known them. Here, at this specific juncture, you have a choice. Back up and retrench with guns loaded in your own defense, or know that you've done your part to be a peace maker and let the Lord hold you and be your shield while they fire at you.

You can not change their identity. And they can not change yours. Jesus died for and loves you both. You are safe in His opinion of you. This may be viewed as weakness, but to feed an argument further is to assure that someone will get burned further, perhaps beyond repair.

If their accusations have merit, then own it. If you feel the accusations are unwarranted, all you can really say at this moment is, "I'm sorry to hear that you feel this way about me. I'm going to need a little bit of time to process this." If they are particularly combative, you can also say, "I really don't feel good about where this conversation is going so I'm going to sign off for now. Maybe we can talk about it some more later, but right now I'd only be saying things I don't mean. And again, I'm truly sorry. Goodbye for now." And exit the argument.

Now if they are screaming, being abusive, etc. Exit earlier! If this is a long pattern, you may need to exit permanently. Abuse is not to be taken lightly and that is not what we are talking about here.

We are simply referring to relationships that are, on the whole, healthy.

Finally, don't look for an apology in return. That's on them. In general, at least in my life, the people I've seen who can't/won't say "I'm sorry" have a fear of vulnerability. Pray FOR them. The only way to feel safe while being vulnerable is to know that you are loved and to trust the one loving you. We all need this from Jesus, but it can take some real healing to get there.

Finally, if they don't respond favorably, give them space. They may need some time. However, if they use your apology repeatedly as ammunition, you can say, "Apparently, you haven't forgiven me. My apology was sincere, but this feels like a grudge. I really need to ask that we move on if we're going to hang out together."

If they refuse, then that's a whole different blog post. I'm not sure I'm even qualified to write it. All I know is that when I've taken responsibility for my part, sincerely and with a desire to see the rift mended, then I'm free. I can't afford to be cavalier and say, "Well that's all on you." But I can't afford to carry it either. I have to keep a clean heart and not get bogged down in their refusal to forgive or work on the rift side by side rather than combatively.

That's it for now. I hope you are blessed with relationships that can go the distance.