What I want

I've just spent my first session back to painting after going into an exhausted few weeks of depletion.

To be honest, I messed up.

But I showed up.

For days, I could only sleep and I wasn't even doing that well.

I wasn't doing anything well.

I wasn't doing anything.

But then a little spark lit. I thought, "Maybe I can just do a baby thing that doesn't matter if I do it or not." I put dish soap in a little squeeze bottle to take upstairs so that I can was my mouth guard. It doesn't matter. I've done without it. But I did something.

And I stopped for lunch. I'm watching Portrait Artist of the Year. And I'm in tears. I watch the freedom and the confidence of some of the artists. Why can't I paint that way?

I so desperately want to paint from a different place.

Confident. Grace. Free.

Exciting yet peaceful. Bold yet calm. Movement but still.

I'm asking the impossible. But God is in the habit of giving it.

I'm leaving my current botched painting for now. I'm just going to experiment with this next one. It's personal. It's big. It's waiting for me.

I hope I don't give up.